After the Shock

I was in a state of shock after hearing that I have cancer. The initial reaction was like, this can't be, there are so many things I have yet to do, places I'd like to see. I can't go, who's going to look after my kids. Not at this time, please! What about all my plans for myself and for my precious kids. My deadline can't be up already. It was not a good place to be, and I had to quickly rise above that. It is a hard process and I'm still dealing with it from time to time.
I knew I had to stay strong in body, mind, and spirit. Instead of dwelling on what I can't have, I focused on arming myself with knowledge, fortify the troops with the right ammunition to fight this big C that threatens to take a mother from her children.
At this point, we only know that I have cancer and they have yet to see if the primary is the lung or thyroid. We were hoping it was thyroid as it was easier to treat, chances of survival is better. They could not get enough sample from the bronchial wash so I was asked to come in again for a biopsy. I'm told they are more inclined to say it is Thyroid cancer but they need to send my samples to a pathology expert at the Royal Marsden, a cancer hospital in London which is on the same street as my hospital. What happened next is my first taste of real pain from this dreadful disease. The doctor took the samples raw from the nodules on my left shoulder. It was so painful, I couldn't even scream but I felt the tears down my cheeks. What the heck is he doing taking a sample without anaesthesia. Despite the pain, I felt happy they're saying it's likely to be thyroid and not lung cancer. So, after all that, I was again booked for a biopsy. They needed more samples and this time it will be done with anaesthesia and by an expert from the Marsden. This is the 4th attempt to get a proper biopsy. What's frustrating is there does not seem to be a sense of urgency given that we know this is late stage cancer. It's been 5 weeks now and we still don't know what cancer and stage I'm in. I had an appointment cancelled once, the doctor was on holiday. I met with a thyroid cancer expert from the Marsden and was told we will continue treatment there if and when we find out it is Thyroid.
While waiting for test results, my husband and I went into research. We have been homoeopathic for years so it was an organic choice to go alternative. Reading about how toxic chemotherapy and other conventional cancer treatments are, I was determined to go the natural way. The information on cancer is unbelievably colossal. I cried in frustration one night, staring at my computer and thinking how one can possibly search, read, absorb, and validate all these. I went to websites, forums, blogs. We bought books too, so offline I was still learning about this new guest I have, cancer. I then enlisted the help of family and friends. I gave them different topics I needed research on. By seeking help I gained more time to sort out my game plan and more importantly save my energy. Thank you everyone who stepped in, it really helped start off my journey. I've got family in the medical field too, that was a bonus as they knew where to get information I probably could not access myself or know where to look. The hardest thing is finding out what is legitimate material and advice. It was very hard to weed out the best treatment. Deciding which supplements to take was a mind boggling, migraine inducing task. We found a lot of promising alternative treatments. Which one? I am on blood thinners and I have to be careful that what I will be taking does not contradict this. A lot of the natural supplements also have blood thinning properties and should be taken with caution. Initially, we bought graviola capsules, aluminium free baking soda, colloidal silver, dmso, apricot kernels, guanabana juice, vitamin C, naturally chelated iodine, alpha lipoic acid, carnivora, cellular oxygen elixirs, and cannabis oil. I survey my new collection and put them on a tray. This tray used to hold my make up. I write a schedule and I tape it on. Then I ordered a masticating juicer and books, lots of books and DVDs. I start reading the Gerson Therapy books and watched their DVDs. I start research on alternative cancer clinics around the world.  I now realise this is going to be my life for quite a while. I take down my websites, I would not have time for it with all these going on. It was a sad time as I was planning to keep the sites up notches this year. This year I had planned on taking my travel writing up a level, I got a writing job that will pay for my holidays as well as the articles and photographs. My first assignment was Panama, I turned it down and informed them that work will have to wait. 2013 was supposed to be the year of extensive travel, leisure and getting back on the workforce, for myself and the kids. I had business plans in the works.
I was starting to get impatient with how long it's taking for the results. Finally, after about 6 weeks, we get a call to come in to discuss what they found. It was not what I hoped for, they confirmed that it is not Thyroid but indeed the dreaded Lung Cancer, stage 4! my heart sank. They wanted to start chemo immediately. Chemo is the only option I have, because of the metastasis on my left lung and lymph nodes and just the sheer number of tumours, I'm inoperable, and radiotherapy was not an option either. I asked how long I have, and he said 2-3 months without treatment. As soon as I heard that, that's all I hear in my mind "2-3 months, 2-3 months" over and over again, NO! I did not just hear that. I know I'm sick but was I that sick? - obviously. How did they take 6 weeks to find out about my cancer and then tell me I've only got this much left. I need more, I cannot end like this and this soon. There is no cure, they said, and whatever I will be receiving is to improve the quality of my life and prolong my life. Palliative care is what I'm getting. I had to really really recompose myself and not panic. My mission now is to find that holy grail and in the quickest time because I refuse to confirm that there is no hope.

I declined chemo and decided to take on the Johanna Budwig protocol. There's a cancer clinic in Spain that specialises on this diet and more. I will write about my experience there on another blog post.

Here are some useful links that I used for my research.

cancertutor.com - a good place to start when you're looking for alternative treatments

inspire.com - a very good forum for cancer patients and their caregivers. I got a lot of helpful tips and encouragement from the members, or if you simply want to vent out, it is a safe place for it.
cancerresearchuk.org
cancergrace.org  - another good forum
I will post more links as I get on with the blog

Happy Easter!

photo by Mckenzie Loughrey

I always look forward to Spring. This season brings forth a season of new beginnings, of renewal, of hope, and a fresh start! The crisp mornings, the blooming flowers, the newly cut grass, lovely. As we walked to the park today, I felt a sense of rejuvenation. Coinciding with this wonderful season is the fact that I have been scoring major strides in my battle. This week I went out without my oxygen for the first time since I had it in August. I walked the dog around the block, by myself sans the wheelchair, even he gave me a bewildered look. I went shopping with my daughter. When you're sidelined to your home for almost a year, you learn to appreciate every bit of sunshine that touches your face.
It's Easter and I hope to be granted my own resurrection, my own fresh start! a chance to live again. This Easter I want to thank everyone who cheered me on, everyone who pushed me not to give up, everyone who thought and prayed and is still thinking and praying for me. I'm not alone in this battle. In fact, my strongest arsenal is not something that comes out of a package, or an IV, it comes from the heart, it is Prayers. I wouldn't call myself religious, but I can say I'm spiritual. I know that someone up there is looking after me. When I first announced that I have cancer, family and friends old and new rallied behind me. The outpouring of support in thoughts and prayers were truly touching. You are the team that kept me going. Cancer patients are sometimes too weak to even whisper a prayer, who prays for them then? This is why I feel so blessed to have you all. I know that even when I'm too weak to ask God for strength, you will. During one of my hospital stays, they had to put me in this ward specifically for women with lung problems, it had special monitoring equipment. You can draw curtains for privacy but you still hear every word spoken. There was one patient who was always miserable, she would shout at the nurses, she screams in pain, demands so much attention. She was annoying especially when you're trying to recover and get some sleep. I was in that ward for 3 days and in that time I found out, she lives by herself, she has no family and just one friend. They were training her to work around her condition so she can go back home and live independently. I felt so bad for her, she had so much anger, pain and resentment. Dealing with physical challenges and then having all that negativity behind you is not ideal for healing or for sanity. Whether she chose to be alone, I will never know, but by her demeanor, it was clear she was not happy. I've got prayer brigades all over the world and she's got nothing. I prayed for her that night and whenever I remember.
The support I get from family and friends is just amazing but not surprising, I already know I've got a good bunch behind me. You give me the vigor to keep going. I thank God for all of you. My heartfelt thanks and love. Happy Easter!  

The next article is something I wrote 3 years ago for hub pages, it's about Easter Traditions, and I know it has nothing to do with cancer but since I have this special Easter post, thought some of you might be interested.

Easter Food and Traditions
As a child I have always looked forward to Easter, not only in commemoration of Christʼs Resurrection but the family Easter Brunch and Treats. Easter chocolate eggs or egg shaped plastic candy containers were not as popular then, so weʼd boil eggs and paint them with food color for the Easter Egg hunt. My kids look forward to Easter too, apart from Halloween and Valentineʼs Day, Easter offers an astounding array of confectionery selections, another excuse for sweet indulgence.
Like all other holidays observed through the year, food becomes center stage in many celebrations, but none more symbolic than Easter. To get into its symbolism, letʼs trace back its history. Although associated more with the Christian faith, Easter did not originate with Christianity. Easter was taken form the word “Eastre”, the goddess worshipped by the Saxons of Northern Europe. They held festivals at this time of year to celebrate the Spring Equinox which they believe ensured fertility for their land and its people. The Jewish faith celebrates Passover around this same time of the year in commemoration of the Exodus, the freedom from slavery from ancient Egypt. Passover is celebrated for seven or eight days, and coincides with Spring when Easter is celebrated. The two holidays have been entwined since and the word Pasch (Passover) came to mean Easter as well. Christiansʼ celebration of Easter Sunday is a special day of rejoicing Christʼs Resurrection and the end of the Lenten fast.
How we celebrate Easter may come from different origins, but they share common traditions and symbols that we still use today.
Easter brings with it the season of Spring, which brings a concept of rebirth and rejuvenation.
Easter Eggs - Long before Christian times, the egg was regarded as proof of the renewal of life and used to symbolize rebirth in pagan Springtime festivals. Even then, eggs were colored and exchanged as part of the rites to welcome the season. Christians adopted this symbol of renewal, and of immortality as Jesus rose from the dead. For centuries, eggs were among the foods forbidden during Lent, so it was a treat to have at Easter. Traditions were drawn from this symbolism. In Yugoslavia, they write “XV” on the eggs for “Christ is Risen”, a traditional Easter greeting. Slavic countries get their eggs blessed on Holy Saturday then taken home for Easter breakfast. Central European countries are known for their long tradition of elaborately decorated eggs and giving them as gifts. In certain areas in Germany, eggs were hung on trees and bushes. Variations of the egg include fabrications with a hidden surprise inside, the most famous of which is the Nuremberg egg, which is actually a portable watch. The Russian royal family took it to great lengths, they gave out exquisite jeweled eggs made by goldsmith Peter Carl Faberge, still very much sought after by collectors today. The Tsar commissioned the jeweler to make an Easter egg for his wife, and designs became more elaborate through the years. Nowadays, Easter eggs are interpreted mostly with candy and chocolate. The Easter egg hunt came about from the early days where they are regarded as treasures, and finding them, identified with riches. Hens were not confined and these treasures were deposited in unexpected places, hence the hunt. Todayʼs Easter egg hunt is the highlight of many celebrations, along with giving Easter baskets. Catholic churches hold Easter egg hunts after the Easter Sunday mass. With commercialism jumping in, shopping malls hosts Easter egg hunts too, and thereʼs no shortage of restaurants that offer Easter meals. 

Easter Breads
Bread has long played an important role in religious ceremonies, and Easter being celebrated around Springtime festivals, presents us with an overabundance of this staple from different cultures around the world, all steeped in history, symbolism, and folklore. These festive breads are carefully prepared and are often ornate - like braided bread. They will often be laden with luxurious ingredients like saffron, candied fruits and peel, sultanas, eggs, etc. The more famous ones are Hot Cross Buns and Simnel Bread (England), Kulich (Russia), Babka (Ukraine and Poland), Tsoureki (Greece), Houska (Czech Republic), Folare (Portugal), Hormazo (Spain), Paska (Poland), Paastol (Dutch), Pane di Pasqua (Italy), Osterhasen aus Hefeteig (Germany), and so much more. Now we can add cakes, cupcakes, and all Easter themed baked treats.
Chocolate Easter Eggs
The tradition of giving Chocolate Eggs at Easter started in the 19th century in France and Germany. They are given as gifts to bring good fortune to those who receive it. 
Easter Ham
Serving Ham at Easter goes back in the early days when there was no refrigeration. Meat was slaughtered in the fall, and pork not consumed during winter was cured to be eaten for spring. The curing process took a long time and the hams would be ready around the time of Easter, so it became the celebratory dinner.
Roast Lamb
Roast lamb as Easter dinner goes back to the first Passover where the sacrificial lamb was roasted and eaten, together with unleavened bread and bitter herbs. As Hebrews converted to Christianity, they brought their traditions with them and these traditions merged. Christians refer to Jesus as the lamb of God.
So, what about the Easter bunny?
The Easter bunny, like the eggs traces its origins to pre-Christian times. The ancient saxons celebrated the return of spring with a big festival. The rabbit, known to be extraordinarily fertile, symbolized this season of rebirth. Although there is no direct reference to Christianity, because this is celebrated around the Christian Easter, the tradition was adopted. The rabbit was interpreted to deliver eggs on Easter Sunday. They would be wrapped in gold leaf or boiled with flowers, and other plants to achieve bright colors to symbolize the Easter sun. These eggs were given as presents on Easter morning, much like Father Christmas, the decorated eggs were delivered by the Easter bunny to good children.

 
There's your Easter trivia, hope that was fun to read as it was writing about it. :) I've posted this a few days ahead of Easter, we have friends over for Easter and I promised my daughter we'll be making cookies.

What is Cancer?

Cancer happens when cells divide uncontrollably and are able to invade other tissues. Malignant cancer cells can spread to other parts of the body through the bloodstream and lymph systems. This is known as metastasis, a word no cancer patient wants to hear. There are over 200 known cancers and more being discovered. Most cancers are named for the organ where they started or after the type of cell. Not all tumours are cancerous, benign tumours do not invade tissues and they do not spread.
All cancers begin in the basic unit of life, cells. Typically, cells grow and divide to produce more cells, and when they are damaged or die, they are replaced with new healthy cells. Sometimes though cells go out of control and they produce mutations that affect normal cell growth and division, they do not die but form a mass of tissue called a tumor.
There are four main categories in which cancer types can be grouped in. Myeloma and Lymphoma begins in the cells of the immune system. Central nervous system cancers begin in the tissues of the brain and spinal cord. Carcinoma begins in the skin or in tissues that line or cover internal organs, subtypes are adenocarcinoma, basal cell carcinoma, transitional cell carcinoma, and squamous cell carcinoma. Sarcoma begins in bone, cartilage, fat, muscle, blood vessels, or other connective or supportive tissue. And finally Leukemia, cancer that starts in blood forming tissue such as the bone marrow and causes large numbers of abnormal cells to be produced and enter the blood. Immune system cells come from the bone marrow as well, that's incongruous.
The causes of cancer are diverse and complex. I seemed healthy. There was no history of cancer in the family. At the chemo ward I have seen healthy looking young men go on the treatment. I couldn't fathom being the face of cancer when I was first diagnosed, but seeing these young men and women get cancer, I know no one's exempt.
Your immune system is what you have to look after when you get cancer and when you don't as a preventative move. What is the immune system? It is a complex network of cells, organs, tissues, and the substances they make that help the body fight infections and diseases. They include white blood cells and tissues and organs of the lymph system, such as the thymus, tonsils, spleen, lymph nodes, bone marrow, and lymph vessels. They are your security guards. They ward off the bad things you put in your bodies. When your immune system fails to do its job, you get sick, or worse, you get cancer.
Now, if you ask me what cancer is, I would say Cancer sucks! Yes I do advocate finding the good in every situation, but let's be honest, no one wants a nasty, dreadful disease like cancer. Nobody wants to be sick, nobody wants to impose caregiver duties to family. You don't want to be stuck to a wheelchair with oxygen. Cancer can make you stronger or it can break you, but you have no choice but to face it. Cancer puts your life on hold, it affects not just you but the whole family and everyone who cares about you. I'm a planner, I even said I'm going to make my daughter's wedding cake, now I can't even plan her next birthday. Cancer can put you in a good place, it can give your life a renewed perspective, but I believe you can get that some other way too, getting cancer to wake up and to realize what you want in life is a bit harsh, don't you think? But, it's here, and I'm not one to meet this with anger and bitterness. It's been given, and it's up to me to squeeze out the goodness I can from it. I buried my head into research when I got the news, they say you have to know the enemy to ensure victory. But, is cancer really the enemy? Cancer just told me I have to look after myself more. Cancer just told me to slow down. Cancer just showed me what is important. Cancer taught my family about love. Now, that doesn't sound like an enemy does it? 

Clarity and Acceptance

Cancer. Why me? I had a good cry when I found out my unfortunate fate. I did go there, I asked, why me? I never smoked, don't have vices, I look after myself, I never hurt anyone intentionally. I have got enough to deal with, why is life so unfair? Then I thought, why not me? Who am I to say I should not be sick, who am I to say who should be. When faced with adversity, I always tell my kids to step back and look at the bigger picture and surely, I say, you will find something to be grateful about, and something to learn from and if you find that, then all is not lost. Crying and getting mad was a normal reaction but I knew I can't stay there, so I stood up to face it.
Cancer came to me like a slap in the face, it's like in the movies where someone goes into hysterics and delirium and needs to be slapped back to his or her senses. It took cancer to make me see my life clearly, not that my life was in pandemonium but it was not as orderly as I want it to be, let's put it that way. When my world got shifted, I was transported to this special vantage point where it was easy to see what really really mattered. All of a sudden, certain things become just trivial, and my attention turns to what is important. By having cancer, I found the clarity that I've been searching for. Clarity in my life. Paradoxical almost, but I will take it. It's what I'm being given in return. It's so amazing that with cancer, I found peace in my heart and mind. Cancer showed me what I wanted in life. I'm finding more time now that I see what I should be spending it on.
I know I can't go on without acceptance, and that's where I turned my focus on, accepting that this was given to me. In accepting my fate I can turn things around and maybe this does not have to be unfortunate but instead, dare I say, a blessing. Getting news that you have cancer is devastating, being told you have 2-3 months to live puts you in panic mode. Whatever happens, I know my time could not be more precious than now. I knew I don't have time to lament for so long. Accepting it sooner gets you that time to do what you need to do to face this challenge. This will not go away and I need to face it with my whole body, mind, and soul in unison! and in full capacity. It was a process, but hanging on to that clarity makes me want to fight this even more. With this newly acquired calmness, I want to reach that place that I see from that special vantage point, I want to go there and stay there.

Missing the Signs

I try to have at least one full physical check up annually. Ironically, the year I was diagnosed was the year I missed having one. If I had done the check up, would they have found it? The last physical I had in Vancouver Canada, three years ago, I complained about breathlessness. My GP said I just needed more exercise and to eat better.
I can’t go back and dwell on what could have been, but I’m sharing this so we can be vigilant about our health. It's not enough to be told we're good, at the back of my mind, I knew something's amiss.
Vision
One year before being diagnosed, my vision drastically changed. I did get specs three years before, for reading. This change in my vision though was different. I had to really work hard to focus, like adjusting your camera lens until it’s all clear. I got new prescriptions, but it seemed really odd that the change was overnight. I thought this may be what aging is like.
Nails
When medical students came in to talk to me, they asked to look at my nails. They said cancer patients’ nails tend to widen and protrude out from the nail bed. I have noticed these changes, but I just dismissed it as getting old and that it may be because of all the housework and crafts I do.
Breathlessness
I used to take our dog out to Hyde Park everyday with my daughter. It’s a 10 minute walk. To avoid crossing the busy roads in Knightsbridge, we go through the underground station to cross to the park, that means stairs and uphill pavements. For months I did not have a problem doing this until February 2013. I would struggle to get up the stairs and stop to rest a bit. I would slow down when I get to the uphill pavements. We run and play with him when we get to the park, but this time I would just sit down and watch. Again, I thought I am getting older, and I should seriously change my diet.
Diarrhea
I’ve always had problems with my gut. I’m the type who can’t just drink any water, or eat anything off the streets. My tummy’s always been sensitive which is why I thought the frequent diarrhea is just me eating junk again. I drank very strong coffee as well. I usually take a break from eating, drink some herbal tea and that usually does the trick. In the days leading up to the diagnosis though, the diarrhea became severe, I got worried I’m not getting any nutrition in.
Irrationality
I wouldn’t call it irrational per se, as there are legitimate reasons to be upset. The difference is the way I react to the challenges. I would always be calm and collected but I noticed I can’t keep it cool anymore. I would shake uncontrollably when I’m mad. I’m not my tolerant self. My tears are shallow. I was not myself.
Eyes and Face
I look deep into my eyes and I know something’s off. I just can’t figure out what. My eyes don’t have that sparkle, it seems inexplicably dull. The shape and size seems different. The expression of my face looks tired. Again, I dismiss this as a part of aging.
Hair
The past 3 or so years I have been searching for products and diy recipes to restore my hair’s luster and texture.
Persistent Coughing
It was eventually the persistent cough that made me finally see my GP. It’s been more than a month I’ve been getting involuntary cough with clear sputum. I don’t get coughs longer than this so I went.
Fever
As a mother, you don’t want to get sick, you don’t want anything stopping you or slowing you down from your mommy duties. I psyche myself by reciting “you’re not allowed to get sick”. I thought I was doing really well. I’ve never had a fever in maybe a decade. I would get colds and coughs but they only lasted days. Not having fevers was not necessarily a good thing. Being able to produce fevers is proof that your immune system is working, it is a defense mechanism.
 
We should all be proactive with our health. I dismissed my symptoms as aging. You know yourself and your bodies more than your doctors ever will, if you notice and feel something’s awry, check it out, it may be nothing but at least you know it is nothing. All of my symptoms had one denominator, they signal that my immune system needs help. If I looked at them as a group and not individual conditions, I would have probably seen how they are all related and how I could have helped myself, or I could have demanded to look deeper. I missed the signs. I missed the signs that could have paved the way to early detection. Time is key to fighting cancer, the earlier you catch it, the bigger your chances of overcoming it.

Awareness

The white awareness ribbon at the start of this blog is the symbol for lung cancer awareness. I only knew the popular pink ribbons, pink is actually for breast cancer awareness.
Yes there's a lot of things I don't know about cancer. Before cancer consumed me, I was designing, writing, and taking photographs for three websites. I also wrote for ezines on anything from travel, cooking, photography, relationships, family traditions, holidays, etc. The one topic that never crossed my mind writing about is Cancer. It's ubiquitous now! taking over my life. From day 1 of getting diagnosed I have been made AWARE. I'm aware of it's nastiness, the graciousness that comes out of it, and the overwhelming information that I have to decipher and deduce, and aware, that there are hard decisions to be made.
I'm a planner and an organizer. I pay much attention to detail. I like being in control. This fortuitous episode meant I cannot control everything, or even unnerving, that I have no control of my future.  I am abashed.
This was so unforeseen. I have been healthy. I had no vices. My diet was not perfect, but I followed the rule, everything in moderation. Writing about cancer never caught my interest, and although I have close friends dealing with it, I just never thought I would be next. We all say it "this thing does not happen to me". On my way to the X-ray, I said to myself "it can't be bad, you're already dealing with a lot of stuff, you can't take them all", but alas, I did!
So, why am I back online? I need an outlet. I now know that bottling up your emotions is not good for your immune system. I'm usually the person who is at the receiving end of the vent and loving that I can do that for people I care about. I am aware that everyone's got challenges which is why I hardly open up. I don't want to burden anyone with my own. The other reason is I am very private. I've set up Facebook and Twitter business pages but I never had a personal one. That culture of transparency just doesn't click with me. I will use this forum to counter my chemo brain too, I refuse to let that go.
With this blog I hope to provide myself with an outlet and at the same time share my experience and new found knowledge on Cancer. Finally, I wish to raise awareness about lung cancer and cancer in general. I don't claim to be an expert, by no means, the cancer world is so immense and complicated, I can never claim that. We've heard it before, "Cancer comes like a thief at night". Let's put our security systems on so he can't get in. Being aware is being on guard.

The Shift

It's been almost a year now since my world shifted. April 30, 2013, as I scan through the quaint shops and specialty food stores along Fulham Road in London, I make a mental note of which ones I can browse after my X- ray at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital. I have been feeling breathless since February and I have been coughing involuntarily for more than a month, my GP sent me in for the X-ray - just to look. I check in to the radiology department, change into a gown and wait. I look at the time, it's been two hours, really, how long does it take? I have been reading but still, 2 hours! It's my first time ever at a UK hospital facility so I have no idea what waiting times are like. It's 6 pm and I say to myself, the shops won't be open and this waiting is getting ridiculous. Finally someone approaches me. They can't find my doctor's requisition form, apparently reception forgot to forward it and that's why I was not called. By this time, I'm tired, hungry, and really frustrated but not surprised at the mediocrity of the reception staff, I do get a lot of bad service in London. After the X-ray, the radiologist gave me a knowing look and then asked me to wait. he then brings me to A&E. After getting admitted, they put me in an isolation room, fitted me with a cannula, my ops recorded, and blood test taken. This is now 8pm, I call my husband to let them know what's happening.  I could have asked for dinner as I realise I haven't eaten in hours, but I was too concerned about what's unfolding I have lost my appetite. After waiting for nearly three hours, a doctor finally comes to see me. He mentions there are abnormalities on my lungs and that they have to observe me further. He asked if I travelled to Asia recently as they think it could be Tuberculosis. I tell them I've only been to Amsterdam and Paris in the past year. After more ops and blood samples, I'm told to wait for a room to be available, I'm going to get confined. I look in my bag and I see one book, which I take out to read, my wallet, tissues, and my mobile phone which is running out of juice! So there I was reading The Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton, hungry but refusing to eat, bored and sick of the forced confinement in an isolation room, wondering what the heck is wrong with me. It was about 1 am when someone came in to say they finally have a room for me. They wheeled me on the bed, the halls were dark broken only by the flashing fluorescent lights on the ceiling. We pass through wards, and as we stopped near one that was right outside my new isolation room, I can hear moaning, and little cries of pain. It was frightening, sad, and eerie. I ask the nurse for toiletries and to charge my phone. I thought I could never sleep but I was simply exhausted. 

May 1st, and I am awoken by breakfast. White toast with butter and jam, and a cup of Kellog's corn flakes and milk. I look at the Costa Coffee Kiosk through my window and asked the nurse If I can grab a cup of coffee and some proper breakfast. She reminds me that I'm on isolation. A team of doctors, all lung specialists and some students came in to do more tests and talked to me about my symptoms. It was the longest day ever! 
The next day saw more tests and interviews. By the afternoon of May 3rd, they took the isolation sign off and staff were coming into my room without their masks, clear clue that they have ruled out Tuberculosis or anything contagious. So what's wrong with me? Around 6pm, and this time only one doctor and a nurse came in, to ask if I have family and if I want them there when he tells me the results. I was like "oh no, I don't like the sound of that", I call my husband, the house is only 10 minutes away, fortunately. The kids came too but the doctor wanted to talk to me and my husband only, so he gets the students to entertain the kids at the waiting room. The doctor starts by saying all the results have come back and that Tuberculosis is indeed ruled out and so is asthma, or diabetes, or anything to do with the heart ( I told them my family history). He kept on and on about the tests, so I just interrupted him with my blunt "is it cancer", awkward silence…. "do I have cancer"? he nodded, and my tears just started rolling fast. 

They now need to determine where the primary cancer is and obviously its stage. I was given the option to go back home for one night, keep my cannula on, and come back for more tests the next day. I was not ready to tell the kids so I recomposed myself before we called them back in. As I walk into our home, it felt like my world shifted, big time! I was looking at everything differently, everything felt odd. I was floating in a different universe and all of a sudden, the future is uncertain. 
I was up early the next day for my 11 am Bronchial Wash at the hospital, they have to get a sample of the fluid in my lungs. After the procedure I was told I need to be confined again for more tests, and scans. I get a nice private room this time. They suspect the primary could be thyroid or lung. I also get news that I have pulmonary embolism. Embolism results from deep vein thrombosis, a blood clot in the deep vein of the legs or pelvis that breaks off and migrates to the lungs through the bloodstream. I know where that vein is and when I got it, I thought they were just varicose veins and I had planned on getting them operated on because it hurts and it looks bad. I was lucky to have had it this long without exploding. I was a walking time bomb! I was put on blood thinners immediately. I was sent home the next day equipped with injection know how and boxes of Clexane.